HOPE FOR CIVILIZATION?
“The Martini is the supreme American gift to world culture.” — Bernard DeVoto
“A man must defend his home, his wife, his children, and his Martini.” — Jackie Gleason
“I am prepared to believe that a dry Martini slightly impairs the palate, but think what it does for the soul.” — Alec Waugh
“Happiness is a dry Martini and a good woman … or a bad woman.” — George Burns
REGRET OR SALVATION?
“I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.” — Humphrey Bogart (his dying words)
“I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini.” — Charles Butterworth
“If it wasn’t for the olives in his Martinis, he’d starve to death.” — Milton Berle
“To me a vodka Martini is like saying a bourbon Margarita. It doesn’t exist. It has to be gin.” — James Carville
“All my life I’ve been terrible at remembering people’s names. Once I introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was actually Olive.” — Tallulah Bankhead (who called everyone “dahling”)
“He knows just how I like my Martini — full of alcohol.” — Homer Simpson
HOW MANY MARTINIS?
“One Martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough.” — James Thurber
“I love to drink Martinis, two at the very most. After three I’m under the table, after four I’m under my host.” — Dorothy Parker
“If the Lord hadn’t intended us to have a three-Martini lunch, then why do you suppose he put all those olive trees in the Holy Land?” — Jim Wright, former House Speaker
HOW MUCH VERMOUTH?
“I make Martinis by pouring gin into a pitcher and glancing briefly at a bottle of vermouth across the room.” — Sir Winston Churchill
The perfect Martini should be made by “filling a glass with gin then waving it in the general direction of Italy.” — Noel Coward
“Zen Martini: a Martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either.” — P J O’Rourke
“Hearts full of youth, hearts full of truth, six parts gin to one part vermouth.” — Tom Lehrer
“The proper union of gin and vermouth is a great and sudden glory; it is one of the happiest marriages on earth, and one of the shortest lived.” — Bernard DeVoto
ONE OLIVE OR THREE?
Martinis should be served with one olive or three, but never two. This is part of a long-standing tradition, the origin of which may be in the following story.
Veteran bartenders at Luisardi’s, a bar at 2nd and 78th in Manhattan, who remember the bar’s “glory days” as a Mafioso hangout, say that bartenders were instructed to serve three olives at all times. Serving a Martini with two olives was understood by patrons as a signal of danger: “Someone at the bar is a threat to you.”
Whether or not this story is actually true hardly matters. Once you’ve heard it, you’ll be sure to look slowly to the left then slowly to the right whenever you are served a Martini with two olives.
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Conrad III, Barnaby. The Martini. San Francisco: Chronicle Books, 1995.
Gadberry, Brad. The Martini FAQ.